This World is Not My World

I live in a world where I work my ass off, pay my own way, am responsible and work my *ass* off. What do you think I get for it? Nothing. I get absolutely nothing. And the worst part is I can't even talk to anyone about it. The people who would even understand a little are either too stuck on themselves, are in a better situation than I am, or don't care. My mother would only say "Oh sweetie, you ARE smart!" My dad would say "That school is dumb! You're a smart girl!" My friends are...anthropologists. And my other friends are too smart. I never felt like a failure until I went to grad school which, ironically, was supposed to give me enough certification so that I would never feel like a failure. Yay me.

I might just quit. Really thinking about it, but I just might quit completely.

The End is Near!

I am quickly, yet slowly, approaching the final days of my first semester as a graduate student. I've barely had time to think about anything outside of school/class for the past few months and I'm wondering if my brain will know what to do with itself with all the free space and time it will have. I'm also fairly certain that my body won't know how to process actual food since the main staple of my diet is caffeine, in liquid form. I wonder if I'll be able to sleep through the night or if I'll constantly wake up three or four times, jump out of bed, and make sure I haven't forgotten the significance of Olduvai Gorge or if I actually did finish that article critique of postmoderism. And I also wonder if I'll remember to eat dinner before I'm in bed. It's interesting how a few months can change your outlook on your life and what you want to do with it. I'm much more critical of myself than I have been in the past, and while I've tried not to be so judgmental I still am...though a lot of goes on inside my head silently, now. I think that as anthropologists there's something inside of us that's constantly observing, analyzing, and trying to figure out how to write a critique, ethnography, case report, etc of whatever we're experiencing, watching. Just walking around the campus today I listened to four (obviously undergraduate) girls talking. I realized that my life in undergraduate was actually pretty simple and easy. I thought that it was hard, but it wasn't. Things were just...easier. It's tough growing up, having to deal with different things, leases, paying the rent/bills, paying off the credit card bills every month, and still trying to maintain some sort of social life, though at this point anyone and everyone that I would be social with here is now in the same position I am. Trying to accomplish everything while running off minimal sleep, caffeiene, and the occasional beer. I wonder if when I'm thirty, tired of what I'm doing, if I'll ever want to go back to school for something else. I don't really ever see myself working 9-5 Monday through Friday. But I realize that I can't expect myself to keep up with the pace of schoolwork for the rest of my life. Oh, the quandries of growing up.

Nightmares

Every night for the past ten days or so I have been having nightmares. Not witches coming after me, but more like assassins coming after my family and me not being able to protect them. This is probably my unconscious reaction to not being able to be there for my dad and not being able to help. And probably a new found symptom of stress. I've also been having a lot of headaches and I don't want to take too many ibuprofen because that'll upset my stomach and won't help. Only 18 more days until the semester is over and I can finally rest. Ha, but then I probably won't be able to sleep the whole month. Blah.

My perfume

Today I got an email from my advisor asking me to come with her to the morgue to help identify and work on a case from Pasquotank County. I'm SUPER excited! I will most definitely write about it tomorrow, if I've got the time. Also, I made a delicious cheesy nacho plate today that also made me happy. Winter is coming and my skin is getting really dry. I'm watching Fringe and I really think Joshua Jackson is doing a pretty good job acting. I don't really remember him in Dawson's Creek because I didn't really watch that show, but I also remember him in Mighty Ducks (all three of them) and he was an ok actor. Oh well. I think I do like this show. BUt it make take the rest of the season for me to decide. Yay for tomorrow!

The End

Well, it's official. I am single, once again, after being in a steady relationship for a little less than four years. I have been reduced to a statistic. The number of times someone has broken up with me has now surpassed the number of times I've broken up with someone. As I've sat here crying for a few minutes I realize the hardest part: I will never hug him again. I will never hold his hand again, I will never kiss him again, I will never lay my head on his chest and fall asleep, I will never sleep with my arm around him again. And one day, someone else will do all this. Someone else will kiss him on New Year's which also happens to be his birthday. Someone else will rub his head. Someone else will greet him at the door with a kiss. And someone else will get to be with him. I wish I could have seen you one more time so that I could remember how you feel in my arms and not take your presence for granted. I'm sorry for all the pain I caused and I hope that you can one day be happy with someone who deserves you. Sweet dreams.

I Want the Fairytale

Tonight was supposed to be a good night. I was going to cook dinner with Howie and then we were going to watch a funny movie. I even left my hair curly instead of straightening it because he likes it that way. Instead, I am at home, alone, watching TV. Why am I alone? Because Howie decided that he would rather lift weights, take a nap, and write in his blog than spend a few hours with me. Which hurt my feelings. I feel like after almost four years he still doesn't know me and doesn't know that even if I am completely and utterly pissed at him I still want to see him. And to make matters worse, my closest friends, if I even have any close friends anymore, don't understand what the issue is. Some asked what time dinner was, another asked what we were eating. No one has tried to comfort me or make me feel better and the only person that I know who might even think about doing such a thing is out of the country. Right now, I feel sad, neglected, unappreciated, and alone. Why can't I have the fairytale?

A Horrible Nightmare

I think my stress has finally manifested itself into something: a nightmare. I haven't been able to remember a dream in a really long time, but I remember the one I had last night. It was so real and when I finally woke up from it because my alarm was going off I could still feel my throat closing up like I was going to cry. I can still feel it as I write this.

Howie and I were on a cruise, I can't remember to where or for how long but for some reason the ship functioned like a ferry boat, as well. One day after being in a port all day we got back on the ship and started going out to sea. We were sitting really low in the water and were up on deck with another couple we had met on the ship. My car was parked below and I was afraid that some of the high waves we were sailing in were going to splash into my car since I left some of the windows partially down. I found my keys and was scared of going below so I asked Howie to go and we both went down together. We asked the other couple if the ship sitting this low in the water was normal and the women said "No, it's deathly dangerous." Of course this should have been our first clue not to go down below but we went and the other couple went with us. When we finally got down below the ship started to sink and break apart in Titanic-fashion. When it broke, all the cars when flying in the water. At some point I dropped my keys but I found them on the floor. Howie saw my car flying past and decided to chase after it. When floor crumbled underneath him and he disappeared. For some reason I kept my keys and kept looking for my car, thinking, I guess, that I would just drive out of there. I guess I survived, because the dream then switched to a parking lot and I was walking to meet my friend. We had decided to split the rent of some apartment but I guess I had backed out and she was kind of mad at me. As she was getting the stroller out of the car and putting her toddler in it I tried to hold back crying but tears were streaming down my face as I told her it had been really hard for me to lose Howie. She understood and put her arm around me and we walked into Macy's. Oh, and in this part of the dream my friend was Elliot Reed and I was Molly Clock (the psychiatrist or whatever) from Scrubs.

I can tell you where all the parts of this dream came from:

the ship and the sinking: clearly my fear of losing Howie when he goes off to the Navy
Rent of the apartment: a mini-crisis I'm going through now
Getting a child out of the car and having a difficult time with the stroller: kind of like how I have a difficult time getting Spencer's wheelchair in out of the car and him in and out of the wheelchair
Macy's: all the Macy's commercials that have been on TV
Scrubs: I fell asleep watching it last night

Hazelnut Chocolate and White Wine

So, lately, I've been having to drink a half a glass of wine each night in order to stay asleep for a continuous six hours. Perhaps this is bad. I'm not entirely sure. On the other hand, I am experiencing different types of wines, including cheap wines from Wal-Mart. Another good piece of news is that there are only six more weeks until the semester is OVER. I'm having a good time researching my paper on Egyptian mortuary architecture and I'm beginning to think maybe I should have gone into mortuary archaeology or Egyptology. But I'm also interested in bones and dead people so I'm sure that doing Egyptology would cover all the bases. There's a bioarchaeology field school in Egypt during the summer that I'd like to do summer 2010. And if that is successful I might try to get affiliated with the American University in Cairo that way I can stay in Egypt! Hopefully I'll get some sort of GA, TA, or paid job so that I can continue living there and work at the museums and the tombs and the mummies. I'm kind of nervous/scared about staying in academia though, because it's tough and there's all sorts of articles I would have to write and comment on and I don't know how I feel about that or if I could do that.

I've also noticed, and perhaps this is just me, but the differences between Greenville and Goldsboro (even though they're about the same size) are astronomical. Goldsboro has rich people, military people, intelligent people. Greenville...even the smart people sound red-necky. Every time I go to a store I find it absolutely hilarious listening to some people's conversations.

I'm also deciding about something else...but I won't get into that.

To the Death

Things that have kept me from regularly posting:

1. Midterms (both high B's so I'm pretty proud of myself)

2. Researching (for three papers)

3. Reading a book and writing a paper on it

4. Reading three textbooks and comparing them

5. Reading a book and critique-ing it

6. Reading an article and critique-ing

7. Sleeping

And the newest development: residence. I need to do what's best for me but I really feel like other people in the situation don't understand that A)I don't want to be in debt and B) I don't respond well to bullying, pushy-ness, trying to make me feel bad about my decision, or any other coercive behavior. It pretty much just makes me stick to my decision more. I won't really go into all the specifics right now but I really miss the days when my only problem was that when it was nap-time in Kindergarten I couldn't sleep.

Spatially Challenged

So Cammie and I got sidetracked while studying, of course, and we were talking about how we can't flip things around inside our heads, that we have see something concrete and can't understand abstract-ness. Anyway, it seems like there is another person who is spatially challenged like me! Anyway, Sarah Palin came to speak at ECU tonight and I was really bummed that I missed it because I had to work. I started out watching the debate but then it was time to study and I knew that if I watched it I would not study but of course Cammie and I got off track so it really wasn't any different. Anyway, I don't really know where I was going with this, but I just wanted the world to know that there is someone just as challenged as I am! Yahoo!

Pessimism on a Thursday

I'm sitting in the hall trying to study for my cultural anthropology midterm that is next Wednesday right after getting out of my forensics exam. After my midterm is over I have to compile all my sources for my archaeology research paper (if you know me then you know I am doing something related to death and Egypt). After I compile all my sources then I have to get ready for my oral book review and midterm (on the same day, mind you) in archaeology. After that is over then I'm off to Chapel Hill where I will most likely be there physically, but I'm pretty sure my mind will have turned to mush by then. After I get back or maybe before who knows I have a cultural paper due and then my research paper draft is due the next week which means that somewhere between all my other work and workING and maybe eating and probably not sleeping I have to start writing that draft. Then I have a forensics exam. Then I have a review of a TEXTBOOK due (not just a little nothing site report or anything an Introduction to Anthropology textbook). Also if you know me, then you know that back at UNC I frequently took all the books that the grad students were done with, which included a lot of intro books. So there. Then, the week after my forensics exam my research paper is due AND the Panthers play Atlanta in Atlanta so we all know how THAT will go. AFter that is Thanksgiving. By this time my stomach will no longer recognize the need for food and it will have started digesting my innards which will, happily, result in my being smaller. I will not eat at Thanksgiving because if I do I'm pretty sure something will happen that will warrant a trip to House and I will have some sort of really weird enzyme/AA/protein/vitamin/mineral deficiency where I will almost die but at the last moment he will think of something incredibly WEIRD that has no connection to anything discussed previoiusly and I will be magically cured. Or I'll have lupus. The week after Thanksgiving is teh LAST WEEK of classes. But this is NOT happy oh no. Because I have my cultural research paper (on culture, of course), an article critique, summary, and presentation.

AND THEN

It's time for exams. I have all three of my exams in a row (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday) each 2.5 hours long. BUT after December 10th I will be done with Fall Semester 2008!!! But this is not the end of work, oh no! Because, you see, at the end of Spring Semester 2009 we have this wonderful thing called a COMPREHENSIVE FINAL/THESIS-INTERNSHIP PROPOSAL where we have to defend our thesis or internship proposals and THEN answer questions that can be asked from any of the material since Wednesday, August 20th, 2008. And then, MAYBE after May 8th, 2009 I can maybe sleep and eat. Maybe. Oh! Except I forgot that while I'm doing ALL of this I am also working Monday-Friday (on Tuesdays until 9) and every other weekend except that I worked last weekend and I'm working this weekend. Which is not every other weekend. But at least I am making money so that I can continue to pay my self-torture fees every semester and get a degree that will probably/hopefully get me a somewhat good job and maybe THEN I can have time to eat and sleep. Because you know what? As of May whatever 2010 I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL. DONE. No PhD program, no more school, no more papers, no more teachers dirty looks. Unless, there's a hormone for academics (like there is for women so they don't remember how they though they were dying when they were giving birth) where we forget all the torture and sleep-less nights, and alienation of people, and I decide to go back to school. But if I do decide to do that then I probably do go need to see House because only someone with a serious organ system problem would decide to do that.

What a Wednesday

So today I felt loved, smart, engaging, proud, shitty, stupid, ignorant, sleepy, exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed out, hysterical, depressed, and borderline suicidal all within a matter of three hours. If that isn't grad school, I don't know what is.

I love a good tuba!

So, after about a month here in Greenville it's time for me to introduce you to the kids that I go to school with.

Cammie: my closest friend here, we watch Bones together and usually eat lunch together and hang out outside of class. We've already started finishing each other's sentences and she's lots of fun at tailgating! She's also a bio anth gal like myself.

Will: Is very quiet but not shy at all. He's usually very funny and we both park in the same lot so we often ride the bus together. He also lives near me. He's really nice and we have a lot of the same interests as he swims and we also make faces at each other during arch.

Dawn: VERY interesting, she's a BIG Auburn fan and is quite violent when watching football games. She says some of the funniest things and is probably one of the funniest people I've ever met.

Lauren: very opinionated. I haven't gotten to spend a lot of time with her but she's very witty.

Ash: Is the oldest of us all (I think). He used to be in the Air Force. He's married and is really smart. He used to be a psych major so it's kind of weird talking to him though he's really funny and easy to talk to. He likes to tease me about living "near" a "bad area"

Robert: There's not much to say about Robert except that he tries really hard to prove himself and prove that he knows something about EVERYTHING. Usually his friend relationships with us take steps backward...quite often.

Joey: He's really quiet and doesn't really hang out with us so I'm not really sure what I think about him. He's kinda cute.

Greg: Same as Joey. But he's married.

Prudy: He's from Puerto Rico and has very strong opinions about things and sometimes it seems like he wants everyone to think the way that he does. He's really nice and we speak Spanish to each other sometime.

Eichii: He's really quiet, from Japan.

Jessica: She's married and is taking classes part-time. She's very nice and says lots of funny things about her husband. I wish I could get to know her better but we don't see her often as she works a LOT (more than me).


Well, that's it! Now you know everybody!!

The East Carolinian vs. The Daily Tar Heel

What I'm about to describe actually happened. Names have not been changed to protect the "innocent." These are actual events and yes, people really are *that* stupid.

Whilst walking to my Forensics class I passed by a University paper stand. Usually I just glance at it, see if the front page has anything of value and move on. I have yet to actually take a paper and read it. But today something happened that made me stop, drop my mouth, and stare. It was the front page title of the East Carolinian (ECU's University paper). Now, my alma mater's university paper was not all that great. The writing sucked, what was written about was usually boring and of no importance, and it seemed like NO ONE proofread. But today The East Carolinian beat out the DTH for most blatant errors.

As you all know today was Septembe 11th, 2008; the seventh year anniversary of those tragic and terrible events that happened in 2001. So of course the East Carolinian, as I'm sure all campus papers nationwide, did a large piece on remembering what happened, etc, etc. Except the front page FRONT PAGE title was

SEPTEMBER 11TH
...Five years later we remember

Five. FIVE??!!! Five years later. That would mean that September 11th happened in 2003 or that it is only 2006 and I have been writing my dates wrong for the last two years. But seriously. How can a WHOLE newspaper not catch that? It's not like they got the chancellor's birthday or even the stupid president's birthday wrong. They got something wrong that people know about WORLD WIDE.

So, the point is: my paper is stupid-er than yours!

Hanna, Oh Hanna Part III

Hanna arrived around 5 this morning but didn't actually wake me up until 6. Not much rain, which is good because that means the Tar River won't flood, but there's a LOT of wind. Not continuous, more like raaaaain, WIND, raaaain, still, raaaiinnn, WIND! The wind chimes ring when it's really windy and so far nothing has flown about and no trees have fallen (to my knowledge). Hanna passed through NC early this morning and now, according to the radar, is in southern VA. Hopefully this is all we'll hear from Hanna. But Ike...I REALLY hope he doesn't come our way. If he does I am LEAVING. No questions asked. But we'll see.

Hanna, Oh Hanna Part II

Still no rain; still no wind. It was actually sunny earlier. But apparently it's rainy and windy and flooding in Goldsboro.

Hanna, Oh Hanna

So far all the hoopla about Hanna has not added up to much. It's rained for maybe thirty minutes total and it was slightly windy for maybe ten minutes. Hopefully that's all it will amount to, but the way the meteorologists were talking I expected to be somewhat scared.

Training Day, Working Day

Today was my first day of real work; I had three training days and only the last one did I actually do hand-on-hand stuff. But today I proved myself. I was able to do things that I didn't know I could do (such as keeping a squirmy 55 pound boy halfway out of the water so he didn't stick his face in the water at the pool) and also pretty much take care of him. I learned that if I really wanted to, I could have a kid and take care of it. If I really wanted to. Right now I'm fine with eight hours a day three days a week. Today though, unlike the other days, I felt like I really got to spend time with him. We got to cuddle and I sang to him and though he loved chewing on my shoulder (which is still rather sore and sporting an awesome looking bruise) I think I'm falling in love! After this job I'm going to have some awesome back muscles from lifting this little bug around.

On another note, I'm getting some really dry skin in some very uncomfortable places. Such as my elbows. I never thought my elbow would be itchy but it is. And it looks and feels like the skin is about to split open any moment. I put some extra moisturizer on it and it seems to be working somewhat.

And yet another note; my forensics professor has excellent resources. I'm definitely going to go talk to him and ask him to hook me up with some job prospects. Cool ones, at that.

And finally, I had another breakdown. This is quite unusual. Usually, I don't completely shut down like I have been nor do I cry as much and as often and as uncontrollably as I have been doing recently. I wish it would stop, though. It's getting bloody annoying having feelings.

I went hunting with Bug on Monday and had a great time. It was really nice being out of the city and in nature (especially since I wasn't having allergies!). Plus it was really nice to spend time with him. He got his limit and then we came back and barbequed them. They were quite tasty; kind of like chicken wings, but not really.

Arlington

I hate hate hate hate HATE the intersection of Arlington and Greenville. Most of you have no idea what I'm talking about but I just wanted to make my feelings known.

Another note: David Duchovny is apparently in rehab for sex addiction. If Tea can't handle him then she should give him to me.

And the most important news of all: it rained today. Now many of you are probably saying "so what? it rained!" BUT what you do NOT know is that whenever it rains, Greenville floods and so does the parking lot where I park my car everyday. Today, I walked through THREE inches of water to get to my car. I might as well not have had an umbrella because I was just as wet as the people who didn't have umbrellas. All the streets were flooded and I had to drive in the deepest water I've ever driven in, which, being from Charlotte I've never driven in very deep water because Charlotte, thank god, doesn't flood. But Greenville does. Oh when it rains, it pours.

I take it back...

I did get a football ticket for the September 6th game against West Virginia. APPARENTLY the stupid ECU website is not very user-friendly and uses incorrect jargon that makes grad students feel stupid and makes them think there are no football tickets. But we got tickets! GO PIRATES!!!

Oh god, did I just say that?!

UNC vs. ECU Part II

Some things I found out today about ECU that I do NOT like:

1. You have to PAY $40/semester to take part in group fitness. That's just plain ridiculous.
2. Football games and basketball games are NOT free for students. AND to make matters worse they're already sold out of student tickets for this year's football season. WHAT THE HELL??!!!

Other differences that don't piss me off like that:

3. Yesterday I forgot to mention that the bus drivers are students. And some of them drive the buses like maniacs as I found out today. Also, they don't keep track of how many people get on the bus at each stop.

4. At UNC EVERYONE had an iPod or cell phone glued to their ear at all times outside of class. Here people actually TALK face-to-face with one another whilst walking about campus. Imagine that. Talking.

5. Also, there aren't very many obviously annoying sorority girls flitting about unconsciously. I don't think that ECU is very Greek and I've only see three sorority houses and no frat houses (though I'm sure there are some).

Something that I'm grateful for: none of the people in my grad program are sorority people. We actually spent an hour plus the other day ranting about how we hate sorority girls and how stupid they are (with the occasional exception). Anyway, that's all that I noticed today. I'll keep it updated on these types of differences and whatnot.

Oh, and my forensics class is taught by an SBI investigator who internationally certifies people for the CSI Board. And he's got the most country accent I've ever heard.

UNC vs. ECU

Well, I had my first day of class and that went well but what I'm going to focus on today are some differences between my alma mater (UNC) and my new school (ECU).

1. The buses are WAAAAY nicer. I mean, seriously. They are niiiice

2. Even though the buses are nice, the bus stops aren't clearly marked unless they have one of those glass houses where you can wait in the rain

3. Unfortunately, ECU's campus is NOT smoke-free. *COUGH*

4. The pool is AMAZING. It's humongous, has a water volleyball "court" and a jacuzzi type thea PLUS a really nice outdoor pool.

5. I have yet to hear one obviously gay guy on campus. Which I'm thankful for because it means I don't have to hear that Johnny gave it to Gary last night.

6. UNC is UNC and ECU is ECU.

That's all I got right now.

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning's End

As I return from a couple of days at the beach trying to forget about all the upcoming stress and business and exhaustion in my life I began to think about how everything is changing. Now, change is not always a bad thing, especially when you are prepared for it and ready for new changes. If you can handle the change then it usually means that you are maturing and growing up. New changes for me include:

new residence: I have left my home of four years (Chapel Hill) to move 100 miles away to Greenville. While Greenville is nice it doesn't have the same comfort, people, places, and feel that Chapel Hill.

new school: I actually have yet to step foot on ECU's campus which leads me to believe that I am not nearly as excited about grad school here as I was about starting undergrad at UNC.

new people: I've met some people in my program and they seem really nice. We have, at least, one Puerto Rican and one Japanese guy that I'll be spending some time with. It'll be nice to have a chance to practice my Spanish and to learn about new cultures. But the fact that I have NO ONE here that knows me personally, that I can automatically connect to scares me. There has always been at least one person that I have known from before and now there is no one. I'm worried that I'll reveal too much about myself too soon or appear snobbish because of how uncharacteristically scared I am of everything right now. I know I sound like a coward; resisting change, trying not to grow up, but the thing is the four years at UNC/Chapel Hill were some of the best of my entire life. I had a great time in college, I did so many new things and had so many opportunities that I wouldn't have had elsewhere and I met some of the bestest friends I could ever ask for. Plus the fact that this past summer was the best summer I can remember ever (even if there was no week-long beach trip involved) adds to my growing concern about being happy here. Even though I don't have to worry about living alone or living with my parents this set-up that I have here is extremely foreign. I don't feel like this is my home. Technically it's not since Jenn actually owns the house, but I really feel like a guest here. I don't know where anything is, I HATED asking for room in the pantry for food and I have no idea how to work the TV! Adding that to the fact that I have to google map everything in Greenville before I can leave the house just makes me feel incompetant, stupid, lost, and utterly alone.

As scared as I am right I actually don't feel sick; I just feel worried. I'm glad that tomorrow I'm experimenting with the bus with someone and Tuesday I'm exploring campus with someone. Even if we're not friends yet, it's a step and it's a positive step. Even with all this running through my head, I'm still excited about classes and meeting my professors but I'm still INCREDIBLY nervous about my TWO interviews tomorrow.

I remember back when I was a pre-teen how I couldn't wait to grow up. Now I wish it would just slow down; the last four years flew by and I'm anxious to feel how these next two will go. As for now, I don't think it's really hit me yet all the stuff that's going on right now. For now, I do have someone close by, though not for much longer, and hopefully by the time he leaves I'll have a new someone to be close to and to talk to.

I guess now would be a good time to go to bed. Or not.

Leaving

The countdown to my departure has begun. I have a little over two days left in Chapel Hill and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. I don't feel quite so lost and failure-like anymore now that I've got some interviews for jobs next week and I've been emailing with some people who are in my program and they all sound like a great group of kids. I'm trying not to think about the hard parts and trying to concentrate on the exciting and new parts but for some reason I'm looking forward to something after Grad School that I don't know will even happen. There are so many things that I've gotten lucky in: friends, boyfriend, place to live, etc. But I feel like there's always someone watching me, waiting for me to get to a wonderful point of happiness and then snatch everything away. Is it bad I'm going to grad school and I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with my life?

New Places, New City, New Life

Yesterday I got to Greenville and began to organize things. Bug got here and I had a MAJOR meltdown. I'm really scared about living away from everything and everyone I've known for the last four years. I'm also scared about more responsibility, harder classes, and trying to find a job after graduation. Also, since I'm not really sure what I want to do with my life where I'm going and what I'm going is unclear and I hate not knowing the direction I should be taking.

It seems like everything's changing. Friends are moving away, people are starting new chapters in their lives, even my parents are almost completely used to my being gone most of the time.

On another note, my room is looking pretty good. All the furniture is where it should be and the clothes, books, desk stuff, closets, and bathroom are all cleaned and organized. The only things left are the things in Sarah's apartment (which I don't think is very much) and it should be easy to put away once I move here for good. *sigh* Is anyone ready to grow up?

Bug

So this entry is about Bug. For those of you that don't know who (or what) Bug is I will tell you. He's Snooky, Booky, Booka, and Howie. And they are all my boyfriend. Yup, that's right, Bug is my boyfriend. And he is silly, too. He has a big butt that he SAYS is from cycling but he's had it since long before he started cycling. I think that it's from all the bourbon he drinks and all the desserts Sarah makes. But whatever. I let him believe what he wants to.

Something else you should know about Bug: he can be REALLY smelly. Like after he comes back from cycling he is dripping in sweat and smells like a gym. But after he shaves and takes a shower I like to lay on his chest and smell is neck.

Something else about Booka: he's going into the Navy and he's going to be the smartest little Bug in the Navy EVER! Sometimes he doesn't believe in himself and doesn't think he can do things, but I know he can. But sometimes he doesn't listen to me. Sometimes he can be annoying and overly clingy but he wouldn't be Bug if he wasn't being Bug.

There's not another Bug that I would ever want to be with. He's smart, he makes me fall on the floor laughing, and he knows how to make me feel better when I'm sad. He's always there for me and he puts me before he thinks about himself. I love him SOOO much and I hope that the future will keep us together.

Love you, Bug!

Money, Responsibilities, and other Worries

So today, as I have many days, I went to work. And like last night, like many nights as of late, I did not sleep well. However, this had nothing to do with frisky kitties or not-firm-enough mattresses (sorry, Sarah). It had to with another dilemma: money. Last night I decided to attempt to balance my checkbook. This was made difficult by some stupid N&0 thing that wasn't refunded on the recent statement and by a check given to a certain somebody (Howie) that hasn't been deposited. Plus I always forget to write down my Way-2-Sav transfers. Barring all this I did however not screw up anything. Until I looked at the final result and compared it to what the bank thought I had. Apparently, the bank thinks I have $17.56 less than what I think I have. So last night I added, subtracted, and added and subtracted again. But to no avail, I could not find a $17.56 discrepancy. Damn the bank! Damn the checkbook! I went to bed feeling angry and frustrated at not being able to find a simple math error. Blah! So like any good economist I decided to go to the bank today and have them find the error and remedy it. BUT I forgot that we had a work Brixx dinner and so I was not about to pass up the free food opportunity to go to bank. I'll go tomorrow.


I have decided what I'm going to go with my life (sort of). I can't remember if I posted this in yesterday's post but I'm going to do it again. After I get my MA in Anthropology I'm going to move back to the Chapel Hill/Durham area (apparently there ARE some areas of Durham that are safe! Ha HA!). Whilst Howie is getting his whatever certification I'm going to work. After he gets his LPN certification then I will go back to school at UNC to get my MSW. Then, by the time I'm finished with that, Howie will be an RN and then we will both be working and then hopefully after a few years we will be able to buy a nice house somewhere (not Chapel Hill...too expensive PLUS too dangerous equals not a good place for me). So that is my life...up until maybe 28 or 29. Which is where some people are at right now. Scary that in just a few years I could be responsible for someone else or even *GASP* have a mini-Lara somewhere crawling about.





HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Fooled you, didn't I? Can anyone see me as a mother in the near-future? Yeah, didn't think so.

Peer Pressure

So after much poking and proding to start, yet another, blog, I have begun this one. The title comes from what Bug calls me and seeing as to how I'm the only Knot I must be the Queen of them ergo "queenoftheknots." And so the blog writing begins. Right now I'm at a crossroads: eager to begin the next chapter of my life, but not so eager to move away from the place that taught me so much. In just a few short weeks I'll be moving away from my "home" of four years to new and dangerous territory: the graduate school. Not really at all excited about it especially since I've just discovered that I was meant to do something completely different in life...maybe.

You see, I'm very temperamental when it comes to deciding what it is I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I began as Bio major. After 1.5 years of misery I switched to Anthropology. Now I'm off to ECU to work on my MA in Anthropology and then....? Yes, the question all new college grads ask themselves "what next?" Except usually they're not so calm in asking. It's usually in the tone and phrase of "What in the WORLD am I going to DO with my life??!!! How am I going to SURVIVE on my own?!" followed by several freakouts and meltdowns. For all you pre-grads and several year post-grads who have even some sort of INKLING about what you want to do I congratulate on being in a part of your life, if not for just a moment, where you have some sort of direction to go in.

Of course all this ranting and raving could be from the delusional nightmares I've been having and hearing all these voices inside my head telling me different things. I'm pretty sure I need to see a therapist; I'd probably get diagnosed with multiple personality syndrome or some sort of likeness.

Anyway, there's so much to do tomorrow and not enough hours in the day to get a goodnight's sleep so I must say adieu.

And as for peer pressure: it's not quite so bad as self-made pressure so don't sweat the small stuff.