As I return from a couple of days at the beach trying to forget about all the upcoming stress and business and exhaustion in my life I began to think about how everything is changing. Now, change is not always a bad thing, especially when you are prepared for it and ready for new changes. If you can handle the change then it usually means that you are maturing and growing up. New changes for me include:
new residence: I have left my home of four years (Chapel Hill) to move 100 miles away to Greenville. While Greenville is nice it doesn't have the same comfort, people, places, and feel that Chapel Hill.
new school: I actually have yet to step foot on ECU's campus which leads me to believe that I am not nearly as excited about grad school here as I was about starting undergrad at UNC.
new people: I've met some people in my program and they seem really nice. We have, at least, one Puerto Rican and one Japanese guy that I'll be spending some time with. It'll be nice to have a chance to practice my Spanish and to learn about new cultures. But the fact that I have NO ONE here that knows me personally, that I can automatically connect to scares me. There has always been at least one person that I have known from before and now there is no one. I'm worried that I'll reveal too much about myself too soon or appear snobbish because of how uncharacteristically scared I am of everything right now. I know I sound like a coward; resisting change, trying not to grow up, but the thing is the four years at UNC/Chapel Hill were some of the best of my entire life. I had a great time in college, I did so many new things and had so many opportunities that I wouldn't have had elsewhere and I met some of the bestest friends I could ever ask for. Plus the fact that this past summer was the best summer I can remember ever (even if there was no week-long beach trip involved) adds to my growing concern about being happy here. Even though I don't have to worry about living alone or living with my parents this set-up that I have here is extremely foreign. I don't feel like this is my home. Technically it's not since Jenn actually owns the house, but I really feel like a guest here. I don't know where anything is, I HATED asking for room in the pantry for food and I have no idea how to work the TV! Adding that to the fact that I have to google map everything in Greenville before I can leave the house just makes me feel incompetant, stupid, lost, and utterly alone.
As scared as I am right I actually don't feel sick; I just feel worried. I'm glad that tomorrow I'm experimenting with the bus with someone and Tuesday I'm exploring campus with someone. Even if we're not friends yet, it's a step and it's a positive step. Even with all this running through my head, I'm still excited about classes and meeting my professors but I'm still INCREDIBLY nervous about my TWO interviews tomorrow.
I remember back when I was a pre-teen how I couldn't wait to grow up. Now I wish it would just slow down; the last four years flew by and I'm anxious to feel how these next two will go. As for now, I don't think it's really hit me yet all the stuff that's going on right now. For now, I do have someone close by, though not for much longer, and hopefully by the time he leaves I'll have a new someone to be close to and to talk to.
I guess now would be a good time to go to bed. Or not.
No comments:
Post a Comment