Nightmares

Every night for the past ten days or so I have been having nightmares. Not witches coming after me, but more like assassins coming after my family and me not being able to protect them. This is probably my unconscious reaction to not being able to be there for my dad and not being able to help. And probably a new found symptom of stress. I've also been having a lot of headaches and I don't want to take too many ibuprofen because that'll upset my stomach and won't help. Only 18 more days until the semester is over and I can finally rest. Ha, but then I probably won't be able to sleep the whole month. Blah.

My perfume

Today I got an email from my advisor asking me to come with her to the morgue to help identify and work on a case from Pasquotank County. I'm SUPER excited! I will most definitely write about it tomorrow, if I've got the time. Also, I made a delicious cheesy nacho plate today that also made me happy. Winter is coming and my skin is getting really dry. I'm watching Fringe and I really think Joshua Jackson is doing a pretty good job acting. I don't really remember him in Dawson's Creek because I didn't really watch that show, but I also remember him in Mighty Ducks (all three of them) and he was an ok actor. Oh well. I think I do like this show. BUt it make take the rest of the season for me to decide. Yay for tomorrow!

The End

Well, it's official. I am single, once again, after being in a steady relationship for a little less than four years. I have been reduced to a statistic. The number of times someone has broken up with me has now surpassed the number of times I've broken up with someone. As I've sat here crying for a few minutes I realize the hardest part: I will never hug him again. I will never hold his hand again, I will never kiss him again, I will never lay my head on his chest and fall asleep, I will never sleep with my arm around him again. And one day, someone else will do all this. Someone else will kiss him on New Year's which also happens to be his birthday. Someone else will rub his head. Someone else will greet him at the door with a kiss. And someone else will get to be with him. I wish I could have seen you one more time so that I could remember how you feel in my arms and not take your presence for granted. I'm sorry for all the pain I caused and I hope that you can one day be happy with someone who deserves you. Sweet dreams.

I Want the Fairytale

Tonight was supposed to be a good night. I was going to cook dinner with Howie and then we were going to watch a funny movie. I even left my hair curly instead of straightening it because he likes it that way. Instead, I am at home, alone, watching TV. Why am I alone? Because Howie decided that he would rather lift weights, take a nap, and write in his blog than spend a few hours with me. Which hurt my feelings. I feel like after almost four years he still doesn't know me and doesn't know that even if I am completely and utterly pissed at him I still want to see him. And to make matters worse, my closest friends, if I even have any close friends anymore, don't understand what the issue is. Some asked what time dinner was, another asked what we were eating. No one has tried to comfort me or make me feel better and the only person that I know who might even think about doing such a thing is out of the country. Right now, I feel sad, neglected, unappreciated, and alone. Why can't I have the fairytale?

A Horrible Nightmare

I think my stress has finally manifested itself into something: a nightmare. I haven't been able to remember a dream in a really long time, but I remember the one I had last night. It was so real and when I finally woke up from it because my alarm was going off I could still feel my throat closing up like I was going to cry. I can still feel it as I write this.

Howie and I were on a cruise, I can't remember to where or for how long but for some reason the ship functioned like a ferry boat, as well. One day after being in a port all day we got back on the ship and started going out to sea. We were sitting really low in the water and were up on deck with another couple we had met on the ship. My car was parked below and I was afraid that some of the high waves we were sailing in were going to splash into my car since I left some of the windows partially down. I found my keys and was scared of going below so I asked Howie to go and we both went down together. We asked the other couple if the ship sitting this low in the water was normal and the women said "No, it's deathly dangerous." Of course this should have been our first clue not to go down below but we went and the other couple went with us. When we finally got down below the ship started to sink and break apart in Titanic-fashion. When it broke, all the cars when flying in the water. At some point I dropped my keys but I found them on the floor. Howie saw my car flying past and decided to chase after it. When floor crumbled underneath him and he disappeared. For some reason I kept my keys and kept looking for my car, thinking, I guess, that I would just drive out of there. I guess I survived, because the dream then switched to a parking lot and I was walking to meet my friend. We had decided to split the rent of some apartment but I guess I had backed out and she was kind of mad at me. As she was getting the stroller out of the car and putting her toddler in it I tried to hold back crying but tears were streaming down my face as I told her it had been really hard for me to lose Howie. She understood and put her arm around me and we walked into Macy's. Oh, and in this part of the dream my friend was Elliot Reed and I was Molly Clock (the psychiatrist or whatever) from Scrubs.

I can tell you where all the parts of this dream came from:

the ship and the sinking: clearly my fear of losing Howie when he goes off to the Navy
Rent of the apartment: a mini-crisis I'm going through now
Getting a child out of the car and having a difficult time with the stroller: kind of like how I have a difficult time getting Spencer's wheelchair in out of the car and him in and out of the wheelchair
Macy's: all the Macy's commercials that have been on TV
Scrubs: I fell asleep watching it last night

Hazelnut Chocolate and White Wine

So, lately, I've been having to drink a half a glass of wine each night in order to stay asleep for a continuous six hours. Perhaps this is bad. I'm not entirely sure. On the other hand, I am experiencing different types of wines, including cheap wines from Wal-Mart. Another good piece of news is that there are only six more weeks until the semester is OVER. I'm having a good time researching my paper on Egyptian mortuary architecture and I'm beginning to think maybe I should have gone into mortuary archaeology or Egyptology. But I'm also interested in bones and dead people so I'm sure that doing Egyptology would cover all the bases. There's a bioarchaeology field school in Egypt during the summer that I'd like to do summer 2010. And if that is successful I might try to get affiliated with the American University in Cairo that way I can stay in Egypt! Hopefully I'll get some sort of GA, TA, or paid job so that I can continue living there and work at the museums and the tombs and the mummies. I'm kind of nervous/scared about staying in academia though, because it's tough and there's all sorts of articles I would have to write and comment on and I don't know how I feel about that or if I could do that.

I've also noticed, and perhaps this is just me, but the differences between Greenville and Goldsboro (even though they're about the same size) are astronomical. Goldsboro has rich people, military people, intelligent people. Greenville...even the smart people sound red-necky. Every time I go to a store I find it absolutely hilarious listening to some people's conversations.

I'm also deciding about something else...but I won't get into that.